In May, we came out with the first two parts of a series, “Heritage Against Homophobia.” After much deliberation, this article concludes the 3-part series. A member of Newsroom writes about her personal experience with coming out at Heritage, internalized homophobia, and the sense of belonging that the queer community has provided her with.
Gay culture encompasses privacy, secrecy, and isolation. We hide our true identities from the world for a crucial part of our life fearing prejudice, and some people never get to experience the feeling of being out and proud due to unsafe environments.
When I decided to come out as a lesbian, I had expected bullying and backlash of the highest degree but was instead embraced with open arms by most people. Of course, the way people talked to me, about me, and the way they looked at me had changed. I had to deal with unsolicited comments and intrusive questions from my straight counterparts. But this was nothing compared to what I had built up in my mind. The dynamic between some of my friends and I had changed as well.
There was a strange disconnect I felt with some of my straight female friends. It seemed like I couldn’t be vulnerable around them anymore because being vulnerable meant being gay, and being gay meant being predatory, and being predatory towards girls filled me with so much shame.
I still struggle with internalized homophobia and it is a constant war between the parts of me that want to unapologetically be myself and the parts that want to curve inwards and hide from the rest of the world. Random waves of sadness and anxiety associated with being gay overcome me at the most unexpected times, leaving me disgusted and guilty for not practicing what I preach.
Trying to overcome internalized homophobia for me has involved telling myself that I am as worthy of love as my straight best friends. It is resisting the urge to not act “too gay” so as to not face bullying from my classmates. It is recognizing and dismantling unjustified feelings of unworthiness, uncleanliness and self-loathing with related to being a lesbian.
With being queer, there come attached an array of different issues and struggles. An urgency colors everything and the difficulties faced by queer people can’t be ignored no matter where one retreats. But, the LGBTQ+ community online, and the other queer students at Heritage have provided me with a feeling of security. No matter how fleeting these feelings may be, they have helped me cope with the scary realities that befall me.
This is exactly what I hope to achieve with this article, and is one of the reasons I agreed to write it in the first place. If I can help even a single person to not feel alone in their struggles, I have succeeded no matter how many views this article receives. We fear discrimination and rejection from our family, friends and social institutions for just being who we are, but having other people who authentically understand one’s struggle can be life-changing.
So, to the straight person reading this, be empathetic and don’t underestimate struggles you don’t understand. You have no idea how much support and solidarity can mean, but also how much your words can affect us. Educate yourselves and others instead of living in ignorance. It is your time to listen and to be better.
To the questioning, closeted, or queer person reading this, I hope this article helps you in some way or another. I know how much it hurts to keep such heavy secrets from your friends and family. I know how hard it is to be dealing with the inner conflicts that exist with being queer. I know it sucks, but it gets better.
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